UPDATED: Ouchy.

The online quiz I took last night verified what I've been fearing since I left the halls of H-town High: I'm clinically depressed. Not that I didn't already know that. Who in their right, nondepressed mind takes a depression test unless they really feel as though they are depressed? And here is where I insert one of my favorite quotes about mankind, "I think, therefore I am."

A lot of people misconstrue this quote as some sort of motivational mantra...almost like the little engine who could. "I think I can" is not the same as "I think, therefore I am." It's really more of a common sense quote that could answer most of our questions about life. "Will I be a good parent?" Well, if you're worried enough to ask, then you probably will be. "Do I have depression?" Well, if you're taking online quizzes in order to verify what you already know, then yes, you're probably depressed. See how that works? Descartes was more worried about his existence, but it works for depression, too.

I've been researching all morning how to proceed after diagnosing  yourself with depression, and the consensus is that I should definitely see my doctor. The problem with seeing a doc for depression is this: when your depressed, it's hard to admit that you have such a weakness. (In my eyes, depression is a flaw, and I don't like to admit my flaws.) My sweet and caring husband would kindly remind me that a lot of people suffer from depression, and it is more common in women. All of which I know to be true, but my depressed brain just berates itself for becoming a fucking statistic. "Oh, your daddy doesn't love you? Your an over-priveliged white girl having a bad day? Your bills are paid and your dog is happy and you still want to cry?" I want to punch myself for even thinking I'm depressed.

Wanting to punch yourself is probably another good sign that you're depressed.
I have officially convinced myself to call the doctor.


UPDATED:

I still haven't called the doctor. I'm doing this new thing where I just don't get mad. It's working so far. We will see.

First Post

As my first post, I assume I should shed some light on my blog's title and purpose.

It's pretty simple: I hate grey. I think in black and white.

I'm trying to find the elusive "grey area" of life. The area where people are happy with who they are without constantly pinning themselves "worst" or "best" at everything.

I have a problem with this.

I began this year with a new's year's resolution that I wouldn't let things get me so worked up and angry. This anger comes from days when I feel the "worst."

Worst at what? Who the ef knows?

My mind doesn't function properly. But, still, I've done a little better this year with my anger, and now I'd like to take it a step further and really ruminate on the parts of life that make me feel this way.

Read at your own risk.